Laura Erickson's For the Birds

Breaking Bad music

NARRATOR: From the Law Firm of Saul Goodbird, Legal Eagle, comes today’s production of Breaking Bird. But first, a word from our sponsor, Baker’s Blue Jay Barn, building better Blue Jay bodies since 1987.

This is me, Jim Baker. You know, I can’t take the news anymore. Just this week there were bad oil spills in Galveston Bay, on Lake Michigan, and in a Michigan wetland. And after last year’s late spring, this year promises to be even worse on birds. Sometimes I get so depressed I yearn to escape. But escape never comes in a little plastic bag, even one filled with Walter White’s tiny blue crystals. If you need to get high on something blue, fix your eyes on a Blue Jay. The strikingly handsome plumage; the sparkling eyes filled with intelligence and good humor; that jaunty little crest—yep. Just one look at a Blue Jay has the power to pull anyone out of the depths of despair. And you don’t have to worry about the feds or Gus Fring or your brother-in-law Hank or some crazy guy sticking your head on a turtle. So head on up to my feed store, fill your feeders with some good old-fashioned Baker’s Blue Jay Blend, and get high on Nature’s Perfect Bird. That’s Baker’s Blue Jay Blend, available only at Baker’s Blue Jay Barn. Up the shore a ways.

NARRATOR: Our story begins in a doctor’s office in the Wildwoods Rehabilitation Center in Duluth, Minnesota. Walter Shrike has just undergone a thorough physical examination.

WALTER: Dr. Killdeer, what’s wrong with me?

DR. KILLDEER: Walter, you’re 7 years old. The oldest Northern Shrike known to science lived to be only 8 years 3 months. You don’t have a lot of time left.

NARRATOR: Walter, who knows Obamacare doesn’t cover birds, does not like this news. He kills Dr. Killdeer, eats part of him and impales the rest on a coat hook in the waiting room, and then flies off to the high school where he teaches science. He makes it just in time.

BELL RINGS

JAYSSE: Yo, Mr. Shrike? I just can’t understand this chemistry stuff. It’s too hard.

WALTER: That’s okay, Jaysse—I have some extra credit work for you. You and I are going to start a methamfeathermine lab. That way I can make a whole lot of money and make your life a living hell in one fell swoop.

JAYSSE: (agreeably) Dude!

WALTER: Oh—and Jaysse, can you bring that tasty—I mean intelligent and helpful—girlfriend of yours? What’s her name?

JAYSSE: Jayne.

WALTER. Yes, Jayne. Oh, and whenever we’re in the lab, you must call me Heisenbird.

JAYSSE: What for?

WALTER: I’m uncertain.

NARRATOR: Walter, Jaysse, and Jayne head to the Sax-Zim Bog, set up their lab in an abandoned RV, and start cooking. The next morning, Jaysse wakes up to find Jayne missing–just a few feathers remain.

JAYSSE: Mr. Shrike?! What happened to Jayne?

WALTER: She was delicious—I mean, she seems to have disappeared.

JAYSSE: Hey, Mr. Shrike? How come you’re always wearing those underpants? I mean, dude!

WALTER: I told you—call me Heisenbird.

NARRATOR: That night, Walter heads for home with a bag of cash. His wife Skylark is waiting next to the pool, staring blankly at an inexplicable one-eyed purple bear floating in the water. He hands her the money.

SKYLARK: Money? Walt, we’re birds .We don’t need money. We don’t know how to use money.

WALTER: It’s time we learned. And don’t call me Walt. I’m Heisenbird.

SKYLARK: Heisenbird? Why?

WALTER: You clearly don’t know who you’re talking to, Skylark, so let me clue you in. I am the danger. A guy opens his door and gets a sharp toothed-beak in his face and you think that’s me? No. I am the one who knocks.

SKYLARK: Walt, is that you?

WALTER: Call me Heisenbird.

NARRATOR: Next week on Breaking Bird:

JAYSSE: So you DO have a plan! Yay, Mr. Shrike. Yay, science!

NARRATOR: And deep within the Sax-Zim Bog

SKYLER: Walt, that turtle! What’s on its back?

WALTER: Looks like—oh my God it is! It’s Gwyneth Palcrow’s head!

NARRATOR: And now a word from our sponsor:

SAUL GOODBIRD:

Window collision? Better call Saul! Pesticide overdose? Call now! Injured by a cat? What are you waiting for?

Hi. Welcome to the legal eagle offices of Saul Goodbird and associates—your one-stop shop for all your legal needs. From wind turbine crashes to dirty bird feeders, we’ve got you covered. Are the Pollos Hermanos trying to eat you up? We’re on it! If you have one speck of oil on your feathers, call us NOW.

You a woodpecker being sued for hammering holes in someone’s house? This week only—try our two for one property damage defense special. Whether it’s you who’s breaking bad, or the whole world around you, you better call Saul.

NARRATOR: Today’s For the Birds featured John Keenan as Jim Baker and Walter Shrike, Karen Keenan as Skylark, William Gronseth as Jaysse Pinkbird, Russell Erickson as poor Dr. Killdeer, and Joe Erickson as Saul Goodbird.